Roola Lenska

Fanny Doodle loves the Tooth Fairy but doesn't like Santa Claus

2009-11-05T03:19:00.000-08:00

I'm on those Fanny Doodles again. The other night at dinner I started talking to P about Fanny Doodles. It took her a while (and a bit of help from me) but she finally figured out the trick. I remember watching Zoom and really concentrating on why Fanny liked certain things but didn't like others. It took me a really long time to get it. I guess I'm dense. I like that they didn't come out and say what the logic was, you had to figure it out for yourself. Children's TV is so different now.

BEEP-B E E P-BEEPBEEP-BEEP- HAT UPDATE -BEEP-B E E P-BEEPBEEP-BEEP

The hats are now on ebay and etsy. I've sold two to total strangers and I'm trying to figure out ways to increase those sales. I inadvertantly purchased two etsy showcase spots for my panda dolls for next weekend. I hope that my $14 won't be in vain. If anything someone will notice them and click through to see what else I may have. I'm making a custom hat for my coworker's daughter and have several promised purchases from other friends. My parents are volunteering to do a craft fair out where they live in December for me. I'd better get cracking making them plenty of stuff for them to sell!! I don't think that I'll be doing the craft show with them. I feel a little guilty about it and then I really don't. I'm going to trust them to do a good job and if they don't I really haven't lost anything anyway. I also sent a box of hats to my friend Mark to sell at his store in the East Village. Now that is exciting!! I can't wait to see how they do. I'll keep you posted.

Caps for Sale!

2009-10-22T03:16:00.001-07:00

A couple of weekends ago I went running. I really didn't want to that day and really had to drag myself out to the trail. I'm glad that I did because I came up with lots of good ideas while I was out there. I have been wanting to make something that people could really use and I started thinking about an idea for a hat/headband thingy. I like making the panda faces the best and thought I could stick one on a flower and stick it on a hat. When I got home I found my chunky crochet hooks and started playing around with shapes and flowers. They are very quick to make and I am really enjoying the fashion design aspect of them. I also really like seeing P model them. She seems to like wearing them or maybe she's just humoring me.

A new adventure!

2009-09-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

I've been ignoring this blog and my creative side for too long now. I have typed. I've decided that I need to pursue my artistic ideas and I need to earn some extra money. The money part is actually the more serious need right now but if I can be successful doing something that I enjoy, then all the better. I'm working on opening my own Etsy shop. I'm going to try to sell some of the peeps that I have been crocheting. Right now, I'm making snowmen and pandas. They are very basic and I'm working on getting them to be as cute and sturdy as possible. Once I get those established I can work on offering other more useful items - though I think a good stuffed pal is definitely essential from time to time.

I'm trying to work in the amigurumi style which is a Japanese word for small knitted stuffed toy. I'm attempting to make my guys as cute and simple as possible. I have been using buttons for the eyes but I just ordered some safety eyes and I think they'll work out much better. I can't wait until they get here!!

In the past I've gotten myself all hot about an idea and then once my enthusiasm for it inevitably starts fading a bit I can't bring myself to return to it again. I've gotten much better at finishing projects that I start so I feel more confident that I'll be able to follow through with this too.

In the meantime, I'm getting ready for my big half-marathon on Sunday. I'm really looking forward to it being over. I have enjoyed the training but I'm also starting to hate it a little too. I don't want to abandon it all together though. I like what it has done for my body and my mood and I don't want to let myself give that up. I like how I feel at the end of a run, tired and sweaty but still grateful.

Crockpotty Goodness

2008-11-17T02:36:00.000-08:00

I used my crock pot for the first time in a long time yesterday and it rocked! I found a simple recipe for "Roast Beef" online (beef and two cans of soup) and finagled it my way. Here is what I came up with:

Beef-O-Matic

1 3lb rump roast (or similar)
2 Tblsp olive oil
4 carrots, peeled, trimmed and cut into 2 or 3 pieces
4 stalks celery, peeled, trimmed and cut into 2 or 3 pieces
1 medium onion, peeled, trimmed and cut into 1/8's
splash of wine (white or red, doesn't matter)
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 can condensed beef broth
coarse salt and ground pepper

Brown the meat in a large pot or saute pan with plenty of salt and pepper, approx 4 minutes on each side. Remove it and set aside. Add vegetables and splash of wine and saute to release the brown bits on the bottom of the pan. Stir vegetables to coat completely. Add vegetables to crock pot (I used the 4 qt bowl) and place the roast on top. Whisk together the two cans of soup without adding any water and once completely combined pour it over the meat and veggies in the crock pot. Cover and cook on low for approx 6 hours. Once the time is up, remove and slice the beef. You can make a nice gravy with the liquid in the pot or just use it as is. I served mine with mashed potatoes.

Mmmmmm Beef-O-Matic!!

Same Time Next Year

2008-11-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

I actually got a comment on one of my postings from November of last year today (thanks again Jennifer!) and so I decided to read through my posts from the end of the month after my brother committed suicide. Understandably it has been on my mind a lot lately, not only because the one year anniversary is coming up next week but because I went to a funeral earlier this week. The father of one of my closest H.S. friends died of cancer last weekend. They had the funeral in Great Neck in the very same funeral parlor where we had Mike's memorial. As soon as I heard that Marvin had died I knew that I wanted to go to his service. My friend and his parents all came to Mike's memorial last year and it meant so much to me then. As I sat there listening to the Rabbi speak about Marvin and his life I realized how thankful I was that he had raised such a lovely family and a wonderful son who has brought so much happiness to my life. I tried not to think too much about my brother and my sadness and focus on Marvin and his family but it was hard. This was an 80 year old man who lived a truly full and happy life. That is something to admire and aspire to. My brother gave up on those hopes and wasted everything at 45. I know that he felt that his life was essentially over already but it had just begun. It's never too late!

It's never too late.

November 4, 2008

2008-11-04T02:51:00.000-08:00

I can't let myself truly believe that it's going to happen yet. I know that it is highly likely but I don't have enough faith in my fellow Prisoners, um I mean Americans yet. I've read a lot of awful things that people have written about Obama on different blogs and news websites. They are so hateful and ignorant and while I hate to say it I know sometimes the bullies do win. P was just a tiny baby when we started the war in Iraq and while she's been basically unaware of it throughout it's terrible to think that it has been going on almost as long as she has. I hope for a greater world for her with greater leaders. This is all so bittersweet for me. I still can't believe that my brother isn't here to see it all. I miss getting to talk and laugh about it with him. It's kind of like when the Giants (his FAVORITE team) pulled it out and won the Superbowl. Nothing would have made him happier and nothing would have given him greater hope.

Obama/Biden '08

Forgiveness

2008-09-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at church the Pastor talked about forgiveness. It was definitely a timely subject for me. I haven't been to church in a really long time so I think maybe someone *hint-hint* is trying to tell me something.

On Saturday I got a phone call from my Father. He never picks up the phone to just say hi or anything so I knew right away that something was wrong. He called to tell me how disappointed he was in me. A couple of weeks ago I told my Mother that I didn't want to go to their house to observe the anniversary of my brother's in November. I told her that I intended to go to NYC and spend time with some of the friends that my brother and I shared. I feel that this is a more fitting memorial and it is what he would want me to do. I told her that I was going to be sad and I was going to remember wherever I was. I told her that I didn't want to go to their house to observe this anniversary. I know that me making the effort would be some kind of comfort to them but it would be absolute torture for me. I know that I am there only remaining child but that doesn't mean that I don't get to decide what I feel I need to do for my own sanity. They are not a source of comfort for me, it is sad to say but it is true. My dad just yelled at me and told me how he can't believe that I was doing this to my mother. He told me that I think that they are just parents of "convenience" and that I was doing the same thing to my Mother that my "brother always did". I didn't respond to any of this during the conversation. I've been his daughter for 42 years now and I've finally learned that it doesn't do any good. When he is like that he doesn't listen and would only twist everything back to me. I just told him if that is how he feels about me, I'm not going to change his mind. How does he think that talking to me in this way is going to make me want to go there? What shred of logic is he clinging to for that one? It would just be so impossibly sad to be there and you know what, it is always sad to be there. Even before my brother did this thing. So now, I feel that I would just be crushed under the weight of it all. I feel for my Mother I really do but I just can't make that trip for her. I can't ask my husband and my daughter to make that trip either. I need to forgive them for their part in what Mike did and I can't do that yet.

My feelings towards my brother change all the time. Right now, I'm just so incredibly sad for him. I feel his pain now and frankly it makes me feel vengeful. My Pastor talked about how in the face of abuse there can be forgiveness but there also must be justice. I'm still searching for the greater justice for Mike but I can do my small part. For some reason he didn't feel like he could say no to them and release himself and still remain here intact. But I can and I will.

The Pastor told a story about a young boy who did something very bad during advent. He was very defiant and refused to admit he was wrong to his parents even though it meant that he might be sacrificing all his Christmas presents. No matter how many times his parents gently asked him to admit he was wrong and say that he was sorry, he refused to admit that he was wrong. Finally Christmas came and when he looked under the tree on Christmas morning there were more presents and many more extravagant presents than he had ever received before. As soon as he saw what his parents had done he broke down and admitted he was wrong and said he was sorry. When I heard that it reminded me so much of my own family but with a very different result. Back during the 90's there was a period of time where my brother had exhausted all his outlets and was forced to move back in with my parents in their very small one bedroom apartment. It was a completely black time for him. My father was so fed up with my brother and his situation that he forbade my mother from buying him any Christmas presents at all. He didn't want to "reward" my brother in any way. My mother must have felt that she needed to give him something so she bought a bunch of things that he needed like; saline solution, tube socks, shaving cream, etc., and wrapped them up and put them under the tree. When I saw him sitting there opening these "presents" up it just struck me as one of the saddest things I had ever seen. I know my mother meant well but I think that she made my brother feel like he was some kind of homeless or third-world person, just grateful for the most menial of gifts. How different it could have been if my father had decided to love more instead of punish more? This story has always stuck with me and now coupled with the Pastor's story it's all I can think about.

I guess that the right thing for me to do is to go to Greenport for the anniversary. But I don't think that I can. I want to be able to love more instead of punish more but I'm not there yet. I'm still working on my forgiveness.

The Names and A Very Bright Spot

2008-09-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

The Names
I listened to the names today. It took forever for my work computer to get through the "buffering" because I guess the wnyc site was getting a lot of requests at the same time. I was patient and was able to hear about 3/4's of them. It's amazing how easy it is to get back to that sad place that I was lost in for so long. I felt pretty good this year in the days leading up to today. But now that the day is here I'm feeling the cut especially deeply after losing Mike. Many of the name readers spoke personally about how they still miss their loved ones as strongly as ever. I don't have a lot of experience with grief like this but I guess that the feeling never fades. I can't help but thinking that 9/11 was the beginning of some kind of end for him. He really took it personally I think. When they attacked his beloved NYC in such a vicious way whatever faith he had in the fundamental goodness of people was attacked as well. It was hard for him to really find hope after it happened. I don't think that he was looking hard enough.

A Very Bright Spot
I received a phone call from my daughter's teacher today. She said that she did her reading assessments with the class today and that P tested beyond the parameters of her test. The top level of her test is a 28 which is an advanced 2nd grade reading level. P tested at a 44 which is a 4th - 5th grade reading level. Her teacher seemed very excited by this and was telling me about the plan they are putting together for P. I'm so proud of my little baby!! This is definitely a very bright spot in an otherwise sad and somber day. This is something that gives ME hope and helps me to be excited about the future. I can't wait to see what she's going to do.

The Graduate

2008-06-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

P graduated from Pre-K this past Tuesday. The weather was threatening with thunderstorms all day but when the actual time came the skies cleared and it was gorgeous. All the children did wonderfully. The ceremony was as adorable as can be. I just love her school. I feel so blessed that we found it. Sadly, G couldn't come because he was working late so I videotaped all the cuteness for him. My parents drove up for the ceremony and went home again right afterwards. Even though they always complain that they don't get to spend enough time with us they didn't want to spend the night and see more of their Grandaughter. After the diplomas were given out the children did a little program and performed in 6 or 7 musical numbers. P had a solo - she sang an alphabet song while all her classmates behind her tried to lift up their letters in time to the music. She did so incredibly well. She enunciated and sang in tune and while I know that she was nervous she truly performed it. I was SO flipping proud of her. When G watched the video he said he was shocked that she did as much as she did. It really warms my theater-geek soul. This was a really big thing for her. Every other "performance" type thing that she's ever had to do has been too much for her. She couldn't even manage to stand in a line of classmates in front of a tree and sing Christmas songs at her old school. As soon as she saw me in the audience, it was all over for her. I guess that she really is growing up. We are going for her Kindergarten evaluation next Monday. I'm hoping that she will be able to break through her shyness and show them what she is capable of. We were at the library earlier and when a Mom walked by and heard her reading she started chatting with me. She said that her daughter was also able to read when she entered Kindergarten and that she felt she didn't get the extra attention she needed because the teacher was busy with the rest of the class that didn't read at all yet. I have a feeling that we will be in a similar situation soon but we can always suppliment at home.

On a side note - P had pink eye a couple of weeks ago. I think I have it now. I want to figure out where we both got it because I don't think I want it again.

Master of None

2008-05-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling a little bit lately. After all my excitement about the potential employment opportunities at the yet unamed big box store I've come to realize that they are not quite as excited about me. I know I'm handling this all wrong but it just seems to be part of the package for now. I was stopped in there for a couple of things this morning after I dropped P off. I didn't have any makeup on, I have coffee breath, I'm listening to my ipod and I walked right past the store's general manager that I met with last week. I just smiled and said hi and she said hi back. I know I should have stopped and taken off the headphones and chatted her up a little bit but I just didn't want to. I would really like to work there but I don't like feeling like I have to be ready for a potential job interview everytime I want to go in there.

Since I'm job hunting I'm spending a lot of time looking over my resume and writing cover letters extolling my many talents and experiences and while this should be making me feel good about everything that I've accomplished it is just not. I've been feeling more like a failure lately. I know that I'm a pretty good wife and my daughter is a star. Seriously, she was reading to me from "Haroun and the Sea of Stories" by Salman Rushdie last night. Folks, she is 5 years old and she hasn't even been to Kindergarten yet. I can take pride in her successes - whatever part I've had in them . . . but I'm having a lot of trouble taking pride in what I've done. I studied drama in college and did nothing with it (not that I want to start anything like that now). I've bounced around in many different fields since school and I've done a lot of different things but I'm starting to look back and think how much time I've wasted. It probably has a lot to do with my brother. I know that he struggled with a lot of the same things in his life. He was a brilliant guy who never really found his way in the world. I don't even know if I'm half as smart as he was.

Oh, and it is freezing and raining out AGAIN! This is definitely not helping my mood here. They keep saying that we are going to have a nice weekend. I hope that they are right because I could really use a little sunshine right about now.

Trawlin'

2008-05-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

After I dropped P off at school this morning I went and applied for a job at a local big box store. I said that I was interested in the early morning signage/stocking/presentation position. The hours are 4am to 1pm which I think that I could work with. I'd need some very strong coffee of course. If I were to do it during the week, I'd have to have a lot of help from my husband and child. He'd have to get her up and get her to school on his way to his train. He'd only have to leave a little later than he does now. He's always complaining that he doesn't get to spend enough time with her - it would allow for more of the kind of "quality time" that she and I enjoy every day. Actually, she's been a lot better in the mornings since we came back from Disney. She was sick so much during the winter that she probably just felt like crap every morning and didn't hesitate to make sure that I knew ALL about it. I still have to prompt her to get her butt moving and to refrain from doing things like washing her hands for ten minutes at a time, etc., but our mornings have been so much nicer lately. I have still been getting her up at the same time each day even though I'm not working. I plan on getting something soon and I don't want her to get too used to getting up late, etc. It will make it that much harder when things do improve. See, I'm trying to be very optimistic here!! I've been trawlin' for jobs on the internet. As usual, it is slim pickins around here. Either the money is very poor or it is way too far away to consider it.

P's school is holding a Mother's Day "Tea" tomorrow morning and I told her that we could leave together afterwards. It is supposed to pour down rain all day tomorrow but we should still have a nice time together. We are hosting both sets of Moms here this weekend. My Mom still may have to work on Sunday so we'll probably end up doing it on Saturday but that is no big deal. I still have to figure out what I'm feeding everyone!! I'll really miss having Alice here this year. I was curious so I took a peek in her garage yesterday and was surprised to see that her car was still in there. We haven't seen anyone doing anything with her house at all. I'm sure there's a whole civilization's worth of critters living in the house by now. Poor Alice she'd be so upset at that thought.

Drat!

2008-05-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

Drat double drat!! I got layed off from my job today. It was supposed to happen last Friday but I called out because P had a terrible cough so I kept her home. It wasn't strepp like I thought it was going to be, just a really bad ear infection. The doctor actually made a face when she looked in P's ear. It was filled with oozing, green pus and she made sure to show me her disgust when she told me about it. I don't know how I was supposed to know this. That's what I took her to the doctor for! It is not like I can whip out my handy home otoscope whenever P starts rubbing her ear funny. Our oozing pus kept me from being canned on Friday and put it off until basically first thing Monday morning. I was working for a manufacturer/importer that basically has just one major retailer customer. Apparently, that customer isn't buying as much "junque" as they have in the past and they couldn't justify keeping me. The current state of the economy isn't really allowing people to have much disposable income. They're buying less junque hence I have less of a job bringing it to them. I'm pretty much blaming President Bush for this latest setback in my life. Why not, isn't he to blame for so much already? My boss was very sad when she told me. She sweetly told me that I was one of the smartest people that she had ever met. I feel smart sometimes and even very smart occasionally but what good does that do me? I've started the hunt again. I hope that maybe I can figure something different out this time. I'm not sure what that will be yet but I'm hoping that something, anything will come to me.

Anniversary

2008-04-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

Today is my 7th wedding anniversary. We didn't get to really celebrate over the weekend. P started throwing up around 11 pm on Saturday night and wasn't finished until 4 am Sunday. She spent the whole day resting yesterday. There wasn't anymore puking during the day but she ran a slight fever and complained that her ear hurt all day long. G did his thing (working outside, running to the hardware store, etc.) and P and I did our thing inside (organizing our Disney photos, reading in bed, etc.). I would have liked for us to be able to go out for lunch or something but it wasn't to be. It was a regular weekend day and I guess that it is a kind of celebration in itself. Before I met G, I never thought that I'd find a man to love and make a family with. There were so many disappointments and big mistakes and heartbreaks. I am so grateful that I found my one special person. I really thought I'd never find my happiness.

The weather on the day of our wedding was picture perfect. We had our ceremony outside in the courtyard of the Brooklyn Society for Ethical Culture on Prospect Park West. The cherry blossoms and apple blossoms were bursting from all the trees and everytime the wind blew all the petals would spin aloft until they fell gently on the grass. Our reception was held at the Montauk Club blocks away on Eighth Avenue. After the ceremony, G and I walked to the reception but detoured through Prospect Park with our photographer for photo-ops. The park was filled with joggers, roller bladers, people out with their kids, dogs, etc. It felt like every single person who walked by smiled at us or called to us and wished us well. It was another beautiful day in our neighborhood and we were just part of the mix of it. I loved being in that mix and sometimes I do miss it.

Our Disney Trip - Day Four

2008-04-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

Friday April 18
I got up kind of early and let P and G sleep. I went downstairs and tried to sort out what we needed to do with the bags, check-out, etc. It was actually quite simple once I had all the steps worked out in my head. They really want you to be able to make the most of your last day there. G and I were thinking about going to the Animal Kingdom park. There are a lot of kid friendly things to do there and we thought that P would enjoy it. She however had other ideas. She really wanted to see The Playhouse Disney show at the Hollywood Studios so that is where we went. We packed all our stuff up so we were ready to leave our room at 10 am. We checked our bags and left our carry-ons with the valet. My parents didn't do the same. They had arranged for a late 1pm check-out and weren't ready to leave their room yet. My Aunt and Uncle were coming to pick them up at 2:30 (typically they didn't get there until after 3) and my Dad was worried about getting back in time. I wasn't exactly encouraging them to come along with us. I wanted them to see their Grandaughter of course but wasn't anxious for the possibility of anymore outbursts from him. We took the bus down to the Studios. It was a pretty quick ride. The show has recently been revamped to feature some of the newer Playhouse Disney characters (like the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse pals and characters from Handy Manny, Little Einsteins and My Friends Tigger and Pooh. It is all done with puppets and a live actress and I thought it was done well but it was very simplistic. It is geared more towards toddlers than pre-schoolers I thought. We also had to sit on the floor which I didn't like too much at all. It was cute and P enjoyed it I think. After the show we took her to the Honey I Shrunk the Kids playground which may have been a bit of a mistake. She got a little lost in there for a moment and we wanted to leave right after. Even though the place scared her a little bit she wasn't done playing yet and got a little whiny about it. We had to find somewhere to eat. She was better after lunch but she knew that we were leaving at the end of the day so there was a crying moment at every moment all afternoon. We tried to do some more character encounters (Chip & Dale! Daisy Duck!) but kept on getting there as they were closing the lines. We ran into see The Little Mermaid which was OK. There was way too much of the Sea Witch in it for my taste. How much maniacal laughter are we supposed to take after all? There definitely wasn't too much else for us to do there. We missed the start time for the Beauty and the Beast Show and she's too little for the rides there. As we started to make our way out of the park and back to the hotel she started crying that she wanted to go to the Animal Park. I knew that she was just sad about leaving but it did get a little annoying after a while. We tried to explain to her that we could have gone there but she wanted to go and see Playhouse Disney instead and now there wasn't any time left to do both. She cried on the entire bus ride home. We got her some food when we got back to the hotel and she got to decorate a cookie. My Aunt and Uncle finally got there and we visited with them a little bit before we got on the bus at 4:05 to go back to the airport. P was exhausted and fell asleep in my lap on the bus. It has been a long time since she has done anything like that. She was surprisingly happy when we got there - she was dancing through the security line. We didn't have long to wait for our plane and she and G started playing Mermaids in the waiting area. He sat next to her on the plane and they played the whole way home. She preferred Mommy a number of times throughout the trip so it was nice to see them getting a little Daddy-Daughter time in together. Now that she is getting older she wants her Mommy at scary times when she used to always want Daddy and he isn't used to that yet. He takes it very personally sometimes. Some ladies were admiring his Daddying style after we got off the plane and were waiting for the bags. They were impressed that he had played with her the entire trip. It allowed me to catch up on my Dog Whisperer and Step It Up and Dance episodes. I can't compete when it comes to playing so I don't even try. We were home by a quarter to 11. It is definitely a nice short commute to and from the airport to our house. P whimpered and cried the whole way home. She ate a little bit before whimpering and crying herself to sleep. It definitely felt good to sleep in our own beds again. It really was a great trip. I want to go back again very soon. You could definitely spend a lot of time and money there but if you have a young child you're pretty much guaranteed a good time.

Our Disney Trip - Day Three

2008-04-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

Thursday April 17

We dragged ourselves out of bed so we could enjoy the Magic Hour at the Magic Kingdom. There were still several rides that we hadn't had a chance to get to yet and didn't want to miss. I just grabbed a few light food items from the place downstairs because we knew that we had a breakfast reservation at 10:30 at Chef Mickey's. We took the boat over and got to it. We were able to do a number of classic rides before having to leave to go to breakfast. We rode on Winnie-the-Pooh, It's a Small World (as we're getting on my Dad asked me if P knew the song, I said no, but she will) and the Teacups. On our way back to the boat dock we took another ride on the Indy Speedway. P drove G around this time. I really think that this was her favorite ride in the whole place. G got some video of her steering wildly and laughing her head off. She is so cute.

As we crossed in front of the Castle that morning I heard the song "Bicycle Built for Two" playing over the PA system. When we were kids my brother and I would torture my Dad in the car by singing that song as many times as we could on long car trips. There was one trip back from Florida in particular. I asked my Dad if he could hear what song was playing and I hummed a few bars for him in case he couldn't. He looked at me and said, "yeah" but I knew from the look in his eye that he either didn't recognize the song or didn't hear it. He'd never ever say that though. He just smiled his usual blank smile he uses when he wants you to think that he knows everything. I felt broken hearted there for a second. I don't think he remembers a lot of these things anymore and with my brother gone now I'm the only one who can remember all this stuff. My Mother hardly ever came with us anywhere so it is up to me now. It is all slipping away from me too - the good and the bad and that made me feel sad. It made me miss my brother - he's the only one who I didn't have to explain this stuff to.

We made our way to the Contemporary for our breakfast at Chef Mickey's. I was kind of shocked to see how old and dated the Contemporary looks now. When we stayed there way back when it was so modern and cutting edge - now it looks like a parking garage on the outside. It is still nice and colorful on the inside. The buffet at the breakfast was very large and had a lot of options but when you get down to it - other than watery scrambled eggs and fruit there wasn't a lot for P to eat there that didn't involve maple syrup. I think we all enjoyed our food. The highlight of course was the characters. It is a much bigger place then the Akershus Royal Hall where we had the Princess Lunch and the characters didn't seem to have quite as much time to spend with us as the Princesses did. We got to meet Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald Duck (who was quite funny with P) and Pluto. Towards the end of the meal P had to go to the bathroom so I took her downstairs with me. This is when they brought the two checks to the table. G and P and I had not used our third dining plan sit-down meal credit yet so we only had to pay the tip. My parents on the other hand had returned to the Whispering Canyon for dinner the night before and so they were all out of their sit-down meal credits. G said that my Dad looked at the bill and when he realized that they were being (correctly) charged for their breakfast he freaked out. He loudly yelled, "what the fuck is this?" Sitting in the middle of the dining room with Mickey and Minnie Mouse steps away, surrounded by little kids and their horrified parents. Then he started yelling for our server to "get back here!" It is truly disgusting what a lack of control he has now. He then went storming off looking for a manager to yell at. P and I came back to the table then blissfully unaware of what had just happened. I was so glad that I wasn't there then. I would have probably fallen apart or killed him or worse. How mortifying! When I walked out towards the front of the restaurant I found my Father talking to the Manager who was trying to calmly explain to him that he didn't have any sit-down meal credits left. I mouthed, I'm sorry, to this woman and started explaining it to him myself. I reminded him that he had used two credits the day before (he had forgotten about the Princess Lunch). He said OK and signed for the bill but didn't apologize to the Manager or to me for getting so upset. Why should he really? Clearly he's the only person in the whole flippin' place who matters. I was really mad at him after that. I was just so glad that P and I had missed that display. You'd think that there may have been a chance he wouldn't have lost it quite so far if his little Grandaughter were sitting there in front of him but I doubt it. We had talked about maybe trying to go to the Animal Kingdom park after breakfast but at that point I didn't want to make any special trips with him. I don't think he could handle it. We decided to go back to the Magic Kingdom so P could ride on Goofy's Barnstormer. This was a great ride. Very fast and fun. She loved it. My little girl is getting so brave in her old age. I think we might have hit the gift shop before we took the steam train back up to the front of the park to catch the boat back to the hotel. It was getting quite warm out by then and we wanted to get a chance to swim before it got too late and cold again. P and I tried the water slide but it was a little too dippy at the end for her. She got dunked under when we hit the bottom and she didn't want to go on it again. After we got her a life vest she was a lot more confident and she swam back and forth between G and I many many times. She was very proud of herself for that. Lola came down to the pool and sat with us a little bit. She put her feet in the water but didn't go in. She is not a swimmer and was never too keen on pools, etc. P and I went back upstairs after a little while and G went for a bike ride on one of the trails. We decided to go back to Magic Kingdom for dinner (hot dogs at Casey's on Main Street) after we all got cleaned up. Right after we finished we walked to the front of the Castle and watched the Million Dreams show. It had some villans in it but P was OK with that. After the show we rode on Cinderella's Carrousel and then we hopped over to see Mickey's Philharmagic. This is a 3-D movie and it is AWESOME. Everyone in the family loved it! After the movie we decided to try to pay a visit to Ariel in her grotto. When we got to the gate the Cast Member there said that he was sorry, there was an hour wait and they had just closed the line. I guess he thought we looked disappointed so he asked us if we had gotten to see the Princesses at Toon Town yet. When he started pulling out a little pad, I knew that we were in for a treat. He gave us a special Fast Pass that enabled us to jump the enormous 1 hour+ wait line to have a personal audience with Cinderella, Belle and Aurora. It was truly magical. Those three girls were so sweet to P and made her feel so special. Each one took her time to talk to P, have pictures taken and give her lots of hugs. Before we left Belle asked if she would mind posing for a special picture with all three of them. It was fantastic. P's smile was as wide as the room. It was really one of the major highlights of the trip. After the Princess bonanza we started to make our way back to the front of Magic Kingdom. Main Street was packed on all sides with people lining up to watch the Spectro-Magic parade. It was amazingly crowded. We wanted Ice Cream so I left everyone waiting in a quiet alley and I went and got ice cream. By the time we were half way done with our ice cream G was wanting to get out of there. It was just getting more and more crowded and you could tell that he didn't want to be there anymore. He was also worrying about getting out of there once the thing was over. We started squeezing our way through the crowd. At one point my parents decided that they wanted to stay behind and see the parade. We got on the boat and went back to the hotel. We told P that she could stay up a little later and see the electric water pageant. I remembered it from my first trip to Disney and I think I can see it has clearly changed very little since then. It would definitely benefit from a rehab. It took a while longer for P to fall asleep once we got back to the room again. We weren't going to rush out the next morning so it wasn't a giant deal but we did want her rested for the ride home. G and I got a nice chance to talk before bed. It had been a long day.

Our Disney Trip - Day Two

2008-04-22T05:20:00.000-07:00

Wednesday April 16

This was the big day of our big Lunch with the Princesses. Early on in my planning I had contemplated taking P to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo Salon and having her hair and "make-up" done for this meal but decided against it after thinking about it. I was reading reviews on http://www.allears.net/ and got all sucked in to the idea of it. So many mothers wrote about how wonderful it was and how special their daughters felt during the whole experience, etc. Then I looked it up on youtube and saw some video montages that parents had made from their visits there and changed my mind. Every single one of these videos was exactly the same. The kids were different of course but each hair-do and dress, photo pose and background music were all exactly the same. I don't want P to think that there is only one way to be a princess or there is only one thing you can wear to be a princess. I love the crazy outfits she comes up with when she's dressing up and I don't want to squash that with some big corporate idea. It would have been a mad dash in the morning to make it to MK and then to Epcot in time anyway. When we were finally there and actually saw all the girls walking around with the glitter in their hair I knew I made the right decision. I just ran downstairs and got us some food for breakfast and we ate it in the room. P put on her princess dress and I did her hair (with the small tiara I got on ebay) and we met my parents in the lobby. We took the boat to Magic Kingdom and then transferred to the Monorail to Epcot. It was chilly waiting for the boat but the Monorail was great fun - especially since the first one we got on was pink. P really loved it. We got to Epcot shortly after it opened and we went on the Finding Nemo ride and then went to see Turtle Talk with Crush right afterwards. Both were great, especially Turtle Talk. P got a little scared on the Nemo ride when it got dark and we saw Bruce the shark. She didn't like the visit from the whale in Turtle Talk but I think she mostly enjoyed both. We thought about trying to see Soarin' but we had to get to our reservation in Norway. While waiting outside we got to meet Mary Poppins and P got her autograph. We really enjoyed the Lunch with the Princesses. Belle was the photo op princess and the photopass shot of the two of them is really adorable. We ordered our food and our young Norwegian server invited us to go to the cold buffet. Shortly after my Dad went up there I heard a woman angrily telling him that he was rude. I think that he had tried to push his way past her child. When it was my turn to go to the buffet I found her at her table and apologized for my Father's behaviour. She said that it was OK. I almost burst into tears when I was talking to her. I had read mixed things about the food but I thought that it was really good. I had a roast chicken breast served over a mixture of beans, bacon and asparagus. We definitely got our fill of Princesses as well. We met Ariel, Sleeping Beauty (Aurora), Jasmine and Cinderella. Each one was really sweet with P, signed her book and posed for photos with her. My Father commented that Cinderella was a bit too quick but she is the big star (she's got the enormous castle after all) and not normally seen at this meal so I felt we were lucky to see her at all. P had a grand old time with all the attention. We brought our baby Ariel and Aurora dolls with us and each commented on them. After lunch we walked over to China which was right next door to Norway. P got to meet Mulan and get her autograph. My parents went to see the Reflections of China movie while we hung around outside. P was anxious to get back to the Magic Kingdom. I had made a dinner reservation for us at Ohana for 5pm but G and I decided to bag it. We didn't want to have a time constraint hanging over us all afternoon. My parents decided to stay at Epcot for the afternoon and we went back to Magic Kingdom. We took P to the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse and Tom Sawyer's Island. We also got to ride on Aladdin's Magic Carpet Ride. We got fast passes for the Jungle Cruise but I wish we hadn't of bothered. She got scared in the first few minutes when the boat operator made a loud noise and she cried through the rest of the entire ride. She was tired out by then and ready to have a rest. We made our way back to the room and tried to go swimming. It was late in the day and a little chilly when we got out but we had fun. After swimming P and G went up to the room and I grabbed us some dinner at the Roaring Fork. The Hawaiian dinner would have been fun but it would have been a bit of a hassle getting there and back. I think that my parents were a little bit disappointed that we didn't go but they could have gone without us. They ended up going back to the Whispering Canyon again which puzzled me. I didn't think that they liked it that much in the first place. I guess that they could have gone to Artists Point but my Dad didn't bring any other clothes besides his sweatpants and sneakers so I guess that was out. After dinner we got P into bed and she fell asleep pretty easily. After she was out my parents came over so G and I could go out for a drink. We went down to the Territory Lounge in the lobby. It was very nice to be able to get out for a little time with my husband. I ordered a Myer's rum and tonic with a lime. It was good though I forgot to say that I wanted white rum. It has been such a long time since I've had a big girl drink like that. It was strong! G ordered something green from the drink menu book. When the waiter came by and asked if we'd like another round, I said "no thank you". He brought me another one anyway. I drank about half of it because I didn't want to suffer too badly in the morning. We went back up to our room and my parents went back to theirs. P slept the whole time and was none the wiser. We soon went to bed as well. We knew that we were getting up early the next morning for the Magic Hour at Magic Kingdom.

Our Disney Trip - Day One

2008-04-21T02:31:00.000-07:00

I've got to get this all down before I forget!
Tuesday April 15
This was P's first airplane ride. We tried to prepare her for the noise, the security check, the tiny bathroom, the ear discomfort and the seat belt. I guess we didn't do a good enough job on the seat belt. She squirmed and got mad at it. She didn't want to stay strapped in and all her promises of being good on our trip and not throwing any fits while on our trip went right out the window. We got there in one piece though. I hate the take-off and landing part but I think I did alright too. Lola and Grandpa met us in the lobby like my Dad had planned. After check-in we went straight to the Roaring Fork and had lunch. Then we caught the boat into the Magic Kingdom. While waiting for check-in one of the cast members asked P if she wanted to see Minnie Mouse's house. We knew that it was closed for rehab (and had been preparing her for this fact for a long time) and I was surprised that he didn't. Minnie's house was the first thing that P wanted to see. We went straight there after getting off the boat. When we walked up Main Street and I saw Cinderella Castle for the first time, it truly took my breath away. It sounds so cliche and stupid to say that but it was so beautiful. We were finally there. No more waiting! We made our way to Toon Town and Minnie's House was indeed closed. Next door was Mickey Mouse's house so we decided to go there. It was very crowded inside but we got to see everything. It was fun to see his gigantic shoes in his bedroom. The house leads you straight to the line to meet the Mouse himself so we decided to try it. We weren't that experienced in these things yet and we really couldn't see the length of the line from where we were outside in the backyard. We probably should have bagged it. We ended up waiting close to an hour to get to the front. P got to have Mickey & Minnie's autographs as numbers 1 and 2 in her book.

Birthday

2008-04-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

This past Friday was my 42nd birthday. Eeeeks! I know that 42 isn't that old but I still can't believe it. All in all it was an OK birthday. I had to work and my co-workers got me a cake and a card. I got half of the cake to take home with me but I ended up throwing it out. G and P won't eat it and I need half of a 12" cannoli cake like a hole in the head. G got me a couple of blouses for our trip. I love it when he buys me clothes! He has such good taste. We celebrated more officially last night. I thought about going out to dinner but decided to stay home and grill instead. It was a good thing too because P was a beast by dinner time. We'll do a big celebration at Disney. We're eating at the Whispering Canyon in our hotel the first night and I've heard that they make you do a lot of ridiculous things if you tell them it's your birthday. It will be fun!

My birthday had a lot of tears this year. I kept thinking about my brother and how I wouldn't be hearing from him this year or any year. I really miss him. We weren't the closest but I'm stunned by how much I feel his absence. Everytime I see a picture of him I'm reminded of what a massive waste it is. He was a beautiful person. He had a lot of issues and was troubled but he was so smart and funny and handsome and he was the only one who could really understand me and where I've come from. I spoke to my parents twice on Friday. They called and left a message in the afternoon and I listened to it when I got home. It was so typical. You hear my Mother telling me some story about how my uncle from the Phillipines sent an email and he wished me happy birthday. At the end you can hear my Father shrieking at her in the background because she was telling the story wrong or some stupid crap. Why would he think that I'd want to hear that on my birthday? The problem is that sometimes he doesn't think. Not. At. All. Why did my brother leave me alone with them?

Weekend Visit

2008-03-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

We spent the holiday weekend at my parent's house. My father's birthday was on Sunday so it was a combination visit. It was very hard being in their house again. The last time we were there was just two or three weeks after Thanksgiving when everything was still so raw. They are doing better now, the sadness is less immediate but you can still see it there. They have pictures of my brother up in every single room - only the bathrooms are spared - so you cannot get away from him in a sense. He hated that house so much and never wanted to go back there again - he made sure of that. It felt ironic to feel him there now. He's trapped there somehow, even though he's gone so far away from us. My in-laws came as well. It was wonderful to have them there. I almost never want to go to that house again without some other people to buffer the experience. My dad is as angry as ever, if not more so, and nitpicks my mom over every single little thing. She's talking back to him a little more now but still it hurts me to see and hear it. I'm still recovering from it all. It's kind of like a hangover but without any of the fun of getting drunk first.

On Saturday night my father put on one of the most purposely sad movies I've ever seen. It was called Simon Birch and it was about a young boy who is growing up without a father in the early 60's. His best friend is Simon Birch who is a midget (or a dwarf, I'm not sure). Simon loves his friend and the friend's mom played by Ashley Judd, and promises to help his friend find out who his real father is. The actors were all charming and some of the scenes were funny but then in a second the scene would change and something awful would happen. I don't think that there was a dry eye in the living room. It is nice to cry at movies sometimes but I think for our particular group of people, it was a little hard to take. Leave it to my dad to pick a winner! When my mother-in-law asked him if he'd seen it before he said what he always says, I've seen parts of it. I've now learned that this means, "I need to make you think I've seen this movie/book/thing before but I really haven't. In fact, I have no idea what I'm talking about".

Goodbye Ted E. Bear

2008-03-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Our big weekend with Ted E. Bear ended this morning. P was very sad to have to bring her back. She and I had a bit of a moment. When we noticed that there weren't any "girl" pajamas in Ted E.'s bag I went up into the attic and found a few of P's old footie romper thingies for Ted E. to borrow. When we were packing up Ted E.'s bag this morning I suggested that we could give one pair of the pink pajamas to Ted E. so that she would have a pink pajama option for the next little girl who was taking her home. P flat out refused to do this. She said that she liked all of them and didn't want to give them away. I told her that when we got home I was going to put all three pajamas back up in the attic and she wouldn't be able to play with them or look at them ever again and she still didn't want to part with them. I tried guilting her into it and told her that we were put on this earth to give to others, not only to take and that giving away one of these things was a very small gift to give. Honestly, I was very disappointed in her refusal to share. I definitely took the wrong tack I think because she felt my disappointment and it only made her sad and clingy right before we said goodbye. I tried to leave on a good note and got her giggling again before I went out the door. She doesn't need to share a lot at home and even though she shares at school I worry that I'm raising a spoiled brat. It's hard when you're an only child and I can appreciate that but she has to learn this lesson. I'm not really sure how to do it either.

Going for a ride

2008-03-16T04:42:00.001-07:00

Going for a ride
Originally uploaded by roolalenska

It is P's weekend to bring home the class bear Ted E. Bear. She comes complete with a huge duffle bag of clothing of both genders so your child can choose. I have to say that the fashion choices for girl bears is pretty poor. We've been supplimenting. Ted E. also comes with a diary. You're supposed to write about what Ted E. did while it was visiting. The class will then read your diary entry together. I was reading through the book and was downright shocked by the awful writing skills of some of the parents! Oiy!! P was so excited for this weekend to finally come. They went in alphabetical order and she's had to wait a long time for them to get to P. I really like this little project. They do so many cute things at her school. I feel so blessed that we ended up there. I worry that Kindergarten will pale in comparison.

Almost everything is boinga here . . .

2008-03-08T05:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just woke up and don't feel like total crud. Somewhat like crud, yes - but not TOTAL. This is amazing because this has certainly been the winter of the ick. We have all been sick in this house for what seems like the entire time. Once we get better we just get sick again. G is going to try changing the filter on the furnace today and see if that helps. I'm also going for a haircut today. Yahoo! My hair is a shapeless mess and something needs to be done about it pronto!! I've been contemplating long hair again but then I think better of it. I'm also hoping that I can get a little excercise in today. I DVR'd a bunch of episodes of "Bodies in Motion with Gilad". I'm trying to get my butt in a more presentable form for the bathing suit I got for Disney. Since I've been so miserable with this cold I haven't been doing it. I was just getting to the point where it didn't hurt horribly everytime I did it and then I had to stop. Pesky!

I guess that I've been feeling kind of down lately. The weather and the sickness aren't helping matters. G is just overwhelmed by the commute and his frustration (and anger) over our situation here. I think I've been letting his mood effect me too much. It's hard to be happy when he is so blue. I can hear birds chirping outside the window so I know that spring is coming soon whether or not it feels like it. I have the power to change how I feel I just have to use it. I'm going to try to recharge myself this weekend. Heck, we're leaving for Disney in 38 days! This is something I can really get happy about.

P and I were invited to a little birthday party with her two best friends last night. The birthday girl's mom met us at Build-A-Bear and treated the girls to the "bear" (they all chose the pink poodle), an outfit, shoes and one accessory. Then she took us all out to dinner. It was so nice of her. P had a really good time. She really enjoyed being out with her "girls". In the restaurant they gave us two tables side by side. The kids were supposed to sit at one and the adults at the other. P didn't want me to sit with the adults so I ended up at the kid's table. I didn't mind it and it avoided a lot of grief. I wish there was an easy way to detach myself from her at those times but there isn't. It is just something we need to work on. There was another semi-embarrassing moment at the Build-A-Bear. When their poodles were all stuffed and dressed the mom of the birthday girl wanted to take a picture. The sales person also had a camera and told the girls to pose with their poodles in the front of the store. P suddenly developed serious camera-shyness, wouldn't smile and kept running out of the picture. She put on her mad pouting face instead. I told her that I wasn't happy with her behaviour and she smirked at me. I'm not sure why she does that. I suspect it is because she's realizing that it is not her moment and she needs to steal some of it back. I really do not like this trait and have to figure out a way to stop it.

The title of this post is from the CUTEST Backyardigans' song. I can't get it out of my head.

All a-whirl

2008-02-03T03:41:00.000-08:00

Life has been a-whirl these past few weeks. I got a new responsibility dumped in my lap at work and after a week of lots of flailing-of-the-arms I finally got the hang of it. Then all heck broke loose and all my shipments trying to arrive prior to Chinese New Year started arriving. The holiday starts this week so it should be much more quiet now. P's birthday party was a great success. She had a grand ol' time. She loved having her friends here and she was a wonderful hostess. She loved all her presents and we've been happily playing with them ever since. The day after her birthday she had a major, 5-year old sized fit that lasted over an hour. I brought out the naughty mat, she shrieked her head, off it was better than Cats.

Yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of G's accident. He was understandably tense and tired all day long. We had to bring P to the doctor for her cough and she was refusing to go and being beastly and horrible and he had absolutely no patience for it. It was a challenge to say the least. We got through it. Since it was a Saturday we had to take her to the main branch of the medical group and I have to say I liked the doctor that we saw a lot better than our regular doctor. It might have been her lovely French accent? We've definitely been through worse days in the past year that's for sure. I can only hope that it will get better and do my best to try to make it better.

My parents wanted to take us to Italy in honor of their 50th wedding anniversary this summer. We said that we didn't want to go. It was a wonderful offer but there are so many reasons why it wouldn't work right now. We don't all have current passports and these days it takes a really long time to get them issued/renewed. P is too young to really appreciate a trip like that right now. My parents just want to show her off to the relatives and I think for her, that would get old after about 2 minutes. We might seem ungrateful but we just didn't want to go there with my Dad. It would be a very emotional trip for him but he wouldn't be able to process and communicate those feelings in a constructive way. I'm afraid that it would just make him unbearable the entire time. We just told them that G's schedule is very tricky in the summer with work and that P wouldn't appreciate it. I said that she would get a lot more out of a trip to Disney World instead. So, that is where they are taking us. We are going in April and I'm quite excited about it. I haven't been there since I was a kid (1977, 1978??). I know that it has changed quite a lot. My friend told me about this website and I have been all over it. I was driving G crazy with all my D-related chatter for a while but I've since learned to tone it down. We're going to tell P about it on Valentine's Day. I made reservations for us to have Lunch with the Princesses on our first full day there. I made up a little invitation with the princesses picture on the front. It tells her that they heard she is coming to Disney World with her family and that they would love to have lunch with her. I got her a Sleeping Beauty dress-up dress (on ebay!) to wear to the lunch because I read that the Princesses pay a lot more attention to your daughter if they are dressed up. I must really be drinking the kool-aid because I booked an appointment for her at the Bibbidi-Bobbidi Boutique early that morning. They give the girls "make-overs". For $50 they do their hair and nails, give them a tiara and scepter and sprinkle them with fairy dust. They call them Princess and make a general big deal over them throughout. You can also fork over 180 dollars for the full package including 100% authentic Disney Princess dress and professional photos but I wasn't going to go that far. I'm not that crazy, yet. She's going to go in there (if I keep the appointment) wearing her dress already. I know that she'll enjoy it. She's already asked me about nail polish and her wish to wear some. Maybe this will convince her that nail polish is only for special princess days?? I'm dreaming right? G is going to hate the whole idea but I think that he'll come around once he sees her afterwards. At least I hope so.

New Year

2007-12-31T02:45:00.000-08:00

It still feels like my brother's memorial was yesterday - it was only two weeks from yesterday - and I'm still processing it. Now I feel like I should send something for someone to read at my sister-in-law's thing for him in California. The question is what to send and who is going to read it?

Overall, I think Christmas went very well. Santa didn't bring P a T.M.E.-TMX and she didn't even mention it. All the pastel colored pony related stuff pushed any Elmo thoughts of right out of her brain. There simply isn't any more room. She and I were having some issues in the days immediately following Christmas but it has improved. She has been incredibly whiny and freaking out whenever it doesn't go her way and will give up the millisecond she has any trouble doing anything. We've had some major clashes and I'm not sure if it is her attitude or mine. I don't have a lot of patience right now. It could be that I'm tired after the holiday (or mid-holibirthday actually). She got so much stuff for Christmas and she is well aware that she is getting another large haul of stuff at the end of this week. There is no Santa involved in her birthday either. I have been reminding her that while Santa gives her presents for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy gives her presents for her birthday. What Mommy and Daddy giveth they can certainly puteth backeth.

Need a little Christmas

2007-12-22T03:30:00.000-08:00

I'm looking forward to Christmas. P is so pumped and ready for the whole thing. I just hope she isn't too disappointed when Santa doesn't bring her a Tickle-Me-Elmo-TMX. It's the one thing she asked Santa for. We tried to tell her that it is for babies but she is convinced that she needs one. G and I talked about getting her one but he's so adamantly against it he practically bit my head off when I brought it up. She'll barely play with it and it is another bit of junk that we don't need, I know but part of me says, who cares? How many times can you say that you granted someone's deepest wish? My cousin gave her a Toys-R-Us gift card so if after Christmas/Birthday is over and she still is wanting for anything - I told her that I'd help her go online and get what she wanted. We got her a sleeping bag, a bunch of My Little Pony things, a Miss Bindergarten toy (who knew they made such things??) and two of the books and a bunch of other stuff that I wrapped so long ago I don't even remember what it is. My parents got her an American Girl doll so that should be an exciting one. I don't even think her 12 year old cousin who has everything has one of those.

I felt a great sense of relief earlier in the week, right after the memorial but as the week has gone on I've been feeling kind of sad. It's all the Christmas everywhere I guess. I seem to hone in on all the meloncholy parts too. I guess that I had forgotten but this year it seems like so many Christmas songs and movies are a little depressing. Whenever I hear "I'll be Home for Christmas" in a store I get all choked up. "It's a Wonderful Life" was on TV last week and I couldn't bear to watch it. It's not like this is news to me but each and everytime I hear or see something sad somehow it's a reminder of what happened. Even when it is something beautiful or happy, I get choked up. It's because it makes me think of how he'll never get a chance to experience that happy or beautiful thing again. He chose not to. It's like I've got to feel it for both of us now. It is a big responsibility.

For I've grown a little leaner

Grown a little colder

Grown a little sadder

Grown a little older

And I need a little angel

Sitting on my shoulder

Need a little Christmas now

I'm feeling this song this year . . .