I used my crock pot for the first time in a long time yesterday and it rocked! I found a simple recipe for "Roast Beef" online (beef and two cans of soup) and finagled it my way. Here is what I came up with:
Beef-O-Matic
1 3lb rump roast (or similar)
2 Tblsp olive oil
4 carrots, peeled, trimmed and cut into 2 or 3 pieces
4 stalks celery, peeled, trimmed and cut into 2 or 3 pieces
1 medium onion, peeled, trimmed and cut into 1/8's
splash of wine (white or red, doesn't matter)
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 can condensed beef broth
coarse salt and ground pepper
Brown the meat in a large pot or saute pan with plenty of salt and pepper, approx 4 minutes on each side. Remove it and set aside. Add vegetables and splash of wine and saute to release the brown bits on the bottom of the pan. Stir vegetables to coat completely. Add vegetables to crock pot (I used the 4 qt bowl) and place the roast on top. Whisk together the two cans of soup without adding any water and once completely combined pour it over the meat and veggies in the crock pot. Cover and cook on low for approx 6 hours. Once the time is up, remove and slice the beef. You can make a nice gravy with the liquid in the pot or just use it as is. I served mine with mashed potatoes.
Mmmmmm Beef-O-Matic!!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Same Time Next Year
I actually got a comment on one of my postings from November of last year today (thanks again Jennifer!) and so I decided to read through my posts from the end of the month after my brother committed suicide. Understandably it has been on my mind a lot lately, not only because the one year anniversary is coming up next week but because I went to a funeral earlier this week. The father of one of my closest H.S. friends died of cancer last weekend. They had the funeral in Great Neck in the very same funeral parlor where we had Mike's memorial. As soon as I heard that Marvin had died I knew that I wanted to go to his service. My friend and his parents all came to Mike's memorial last year and it meant so much to me then. As I sat there listening to the Rabbi speak about Marvin and his life I realized how thankful I was that he had raised such a lovely family and a wonderful son who has brought so much happiness to my life. I tried not to think too much about my brother and my sadness and focus on Marvin and his family but it was hard. This was an 80 year old man who lived a truly full and happy life. That is something to admire and aspire to. My brother gave up on those hopes and wasted everything at 45. I know that he felt that his life was essentially over already but it had just begun. It's never too late!
It's never too late.
It's never too late.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
November 4, 2008
I can't let myself truly believe that it's going to happen yet. I know that it is highly likely but I don't have enough faith in my fellow Prisoners, um I mean Americans yet. I've read a lot of awful things that people have written about Obama on different blogs and news websites. They are so hateful and ignorant and while I hate to say it I know sometimes the bullies do win. P was just a tiny baby when we started the war in Iraq and while she's been basically unaware of it throughout it's terrible to think that it has been going on almost as long as she has. I hope for a greater world for her with greater leaders. This is all so bittersweet for me. I still can't believe that my brother isn't here to see it all. I miss getting to talk and laugh about it with him. It's kind of like when the Giants (his FAVORITE team) pulled it out and won the Superbowl. Nothing would have made him happier and nothing would have given him greater hope.
Obama/Biden '08
Obama/Biden '08
Monday, September 15, 2008
Forgiveness
Yesterday at church the Pastor talked about forgiveness. It was definitely a timely subject for me. I haven't been to church in a really long time so I think maybe someone *hint-hint* is trying to tell me something.
On Saturday I got a phone call from my Father. He never picks up the phone to just say hi or anything so I knew right away that something was wrong. He called to tell me how disappointed he was in me. A couple of weeks ago I told my Mother that I didn't want to go to their house to observe the anniversary of my brother's in November. I told her that I intended to go to NYC and spend time with some of the friends that my brother and I shared. I feel that this is a more fitting memorial and it is what he would want me to do. I told her that I was going to be sad and I was going to remember wherever I was. I told her that I didn't want to go to their house to observe this anniversary. I know that me making the effort would be some kind of comfort to them but it would be absolute torture for me. I know that I am there only remaining child but that doesn't mean that I don't get to decide what I feel I need to do for my own sanity. They are not a source of comfort for me, it is sad to say but it is true. My dad just yelled at me and told me how he can't believe that I was doing this to my mother. He told me that I think that they are just parents of "convenience" and that I was doing the same thing to my Mother that my "brother always did". I didn't respond to any of this during the conversation. I've been his daughter for 42 years now and I've finally learned that it doesn't do any good. When he is like that he doesn't listen and would only twist everything back to me. I just told him if that is how he feels about me, I'm not going to change his mind. How does he think that talking to me in this way is going to make me want to go there? What shred of logic is he clinging to for that one? It would just be so impossibly sad to be there and you know what, it is always sad to be there. Even before my brother did this thing. So now, I feel that I would just be crushed under the weight of it all. I feel for my Mother I really do but I just can't make that trip for her. I can't ask my husband and my daughter to make that trip either. I need to forgive them for their part in what Mike did and I can't do that yet.
My feelings towards my brother change all the time. Right now, I'm just so incredibly sad for him. I feel his pain now and frankly it makes me feel vengeful. My Pastor talked about how in the face of abuse there can be forgiveness but there also must be justice. I'm still searching for the greater justice for Mike but I can do my small part. For some reason he didn't feel like he could say no to them and release himself and still remain here intact. But I can and I will.
The Pastor told a story about a young boy who did something very bad during advent. He was very defiant and refused to admit he was wrong to his parents even though it meant that he might be sacrificing all his Christmas presents. No matter how many times his parents gently asked him to admit he was wrong and say that he was sorry, he refused to admit that he was wrong. Finally Christmas came and when he looked under the tree on Christmas morning there were more presents and many more extravagant presents than he had ever received before. As soon as he saw what his parents had done he broke down and admitted he was wrong and said he was sorry. When I heard that it reminded me so much of my own family but with a very different result. Back during the 90's there was a period of time where my brother had exhausted all his outlets and was forced to move back in with my parents in their very small one bedroom apartment. It was a completely black time for him. My father was so fed up with my brother and his situation that he forbade my mother from buying him any Christmas presents at all. He didn't want to "reward" my brother in any way. My mother must have felt that she needed to give him something so she bought a bunch of things that he needed like; saline solution, tube socks, shaving cream, etc., and wrapped them up and put them under the tree. When I saw him sitting there opening these "presents" up it just struck me as one of the saddest things I had ever seen. I know my mother meant well but I think that she made my brother feel like he was some kind of homeless or third-world person, just grateful for the most menial of gifts. How different it could have been if my father had decided to love more instead of punish more? This story has always stuck with me and now coupled with the Pastor's story it's all I can think about.
I guess that the right thing for me to do is to go to Greenport for the anniversary. But I don't think that I can. I want to be able to love more instead of punish more but I'm not there yet. I'm still working on my forgiveness.
On Saturday I got a phone call from my Father. He never picks up the phone to just say hi or anything so I knew right away that something was wrong. He called to tell me how disappointed he was in me. A couple of weeks ago I told my Mother that I didn't want to go to their house to observe the anniversary of my brother's in November. I told her that I intended to go to NYC and spend time with some of the friends that my brother and I shared. I feel that this is a more fitting memorial and it is what he would want me to do. I told her that I was going to be sad and I was going to remember wherever I was. I told her that I didn't want to go to their house to observe this anniversary. I know that me making the effort would be some kind of comfort to them but it would be absolute torture for me. I know that I am there only remaining child but that doesn't mean that I don't get to decide what I feel I need to do for my own sanity. They are not a source of comfort for me, it is sad to say but it is true. My dad just yelled at me and told me how he can't believe that I was doing this to my mother. He told me that I think that they are just parents of "convenience" and that I was doing the same thing to my Mother that my "brother always did". I didn't respond to any of this during the conversation. I've been his daughter for 42 years now and I've finally learned that it doesn't do any good. When he is like that he doesn't listen and would only twist everything back to me. I just told him if that is how he feels about me, I'm not going to change his mind. How does he think that talking to me in this way is going to make me want to go there? What shred of logic is he clinging to for that one? It would just be so impossibly sad to be there and you know what, it is always sad to be there. Even before my brother did this thing. So now, I feel that I would just be crushed under the weight of it all. I feel for my Mother I really do but I just can't make that trip for her. I can't ask my husband and my daughter to make that trip either. I need to forgive them for their part in what Mike did and I can't do that yet.
My feelings towards my brother change all the time. Right now, I'm just so incredibly sad for him. I feel his pain now and frankly it makes me feel vengeful. My Pastor talked about how in the face of abuse there can be forgiveness but there also must be justice. I'm still searching for the greater justice for Mike but I can do my small part. For some reason he didn't feel like he could say no to them and release himself and still remain here intact. But I can and I will.
The Pastor told a story about a young boy who did something very bad during advent. He was very defiant and refused to admit he was wrong to his parents even though it meant that he might be sacrificing all his Christmas presents. No matter how many times his parents gently asked him to admit he was wrong and say that he was sorry, he refused to admit that he was wrong. Finally Christmas came and when he looked under the tree on Christmas morning there were more presents and many more extravagant presents than he had ever received before. As soon as he saw what his parents had done he broke down and admitted he was wrong and said he was sorry. When I heard that it reminded me so much of my own family but with a very different result. Back during the 90's there was a period of time where my brother had exhausted all his outlets and was forced to move back in with my parents in their very small one bedroom apartment. It was a completely black time for him. My father was so fed up with my brother and his situation that he forbade my mother from buying him any Christmas presents at all. He didn't want to "reward" my brother in any way. My mother must have felt that she needed to give him something so she bought a bunch of things that he needed like; saline solution, tube socks, shaving cream, etc., and wrapped them up and put them under the tree. When I saw him sitting there opening these "presents" up it just struck me as one of the saddest things I had ever seen. I know my mother meant well but I think that she made my brother feel like he was some kind of homeless or third-world person, just grateful for the most menial of gifts. How different it could have been if my father had decided to love more instead of punish more? This story has always stuck with me and now coupled with the Pastor's story it's all I can think about.
I guess that the right thing for me to do is to go to Greenport for the anniversary. But I don't think that I can. I want to be able to love more instead of punish more but I'm not there yet. I'm still working on my forgiveness.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The Names and A Very Bright Spot
The Names
I listened to the names today. It took forever for my work computer to get through the "buffering" because I guess the wnyc site was getting a lot of requests at the same time. I was patient and was able to hear about 3/4's of them. It's amazing how easy it is to get back to that sad place that I was lost in for so long. I felt pretty good this year in the days leading up to today. But now that the day is here I'm feeling the cut especially deeply after losing Mike. Many of the name readers spoke personally about how they still miss their loved ones as strongly as ever. I don't have a lot of experience with grief like this but I guess that the feeling never fades. I can't help but thinking that 9/11 was the beginning of some kind of end for him. He really took it personally I think. When they attacked his beloved NYC in such a vicious way whatever faith he had in the fundamental goodness of people was attacked as well. It was hard for him to really find hope after it happened. I don't think that he was looking hard enough.
A Very Bright Spot
I received a phone call from my daughter's teacher today. She said that she did her reading assessments with the class today and that P tested beyond the parameters of her test. The top level of her test is a 28 which is an advanced 2nd grade reading level. P tested at a 44 which is a 4th - 5th grade reading level. Her teacher seemed very excited by this and was telling me about the plan they are putting together for P. I'm so proud of my little baby!! This is definitely a very bright spot in an otherwise sad and somber day. This is something that gives ME hope and helps me to be excited about the future. I can't wait to see what she's going to do.
I listened to the names today. It took forever for my work computer to get through the "buffering" because I guess the wnyc site was getting a lot of requests at the same time. I was patient and was able to hear about 3/4's of them. It's amazing how easy it is to get back to that sad place that I was lost in for so long. I felt pretty good this year in the days leading up to today. But now that the day is here I'm feeling the cut especially deeply after losing Mike. Many of the name readers spoke personally about how they still miss their loved ones as strongly as ever. I don't have a lot of experience with grief like this but I guess that the feeling never fades. I can't help but thinking that 9/11 was the beginning of some kind of end for him. He really took it personally I think. When they attacked his beloved NYC in such a vicious way whatever faith he had in the fundamental goodness of people was attacked as well. It was hard for him to really find hope after it happened. I don't think that he was looking hard enough.
A Very Bright Spot
I received a phone call from my daughter's teacher today. She said that she did her reading assessments with the class today and that P tested beyond the parameters of her test. The top level of her test is a 28 which is an advanced 2nd grade reading level. P tested at a 44 which is a 4th - 5th grade reading level. Her teacher seemed very excited by this and was telling me about the plan they are putting together for P. I'm so proud of my little baby!! This is definitely a very bright spot in an otherwise sad and somber day. This is something that gives ME hope and helps me to be excited about the future. I can't wait to see what she's going to do.
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Graduate
P graduated from Pre-K this past Tuesday. The weather was threatening with thunderstorms all day but when the actual time came the skies cleared and it was gorgeous. All the children did wonderfully. The ceremony was as adorable as can be. I just love her school. I feel so blessed that we found it. Sadly, G couldn't come because he was working late so I videotaped all the cuteness for him. My parents drove up for the ceremony and went home again right afterwards. Even though they always complain that they don't get to spend enough time with us they didn't want to spend the night and see more of their Grandaughter. After the diplomas were given out the children did a little program and performed in 6 or 7 musical numbers. P had a solo - she sang an alphabet song while all her classmates behind her tried to lift up their letters in time to the music. She did so incredibly well. She enunciated and sang in tune and while I know that she was nervous she truly performed it. I was SO flipping proud of her. When G watched the video he said he was shocked that she did as much as she did. It really warms my theater-geek soul. This was a really big thing for her. Every other "performance" type thing that she's ever had to do has been too much for her. She couldn't even manage to stand in a line of classmates in front of a tree and sing Christmas songs at her old school. As soon as she saw me in the audience, it was all over for her. I guess that she really is growing up. We are going for her Kindergarten evaluation next Monday. I'm hoping that she will be able to break through her shyness and show them what she is capable of. We were at the library earlier and when a Mom walked by and heard her reading she started chatting with me. She said that her daughter was also able to read when she entered Kindergarten and that she felt she didn't get the extra attention she needed because the teacher was busy with the rest of the class that didn't read at all yet. I have a feeling that we will be in a similar situation soon but we can always suppliment at home.
On a side note - P had pink eye a couple of weeks ago. I think I have it now. I want to figure out where we both got it because I don't think I want it again.
On a side note - P had pink eye a couple of weeks ago. I think I have it now. I want to figure out where we both got it because I don't think I want it again.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Master of None
I've been struggling a little bit lately. After all my excitement about the potential employment opportunities at the yet unamed big box store I've come to realize that they are not quite as excited about me. I know I'm handling this all wrong but it just seems to be part of the package for now. I was stopped in there for a couple of things this morning after I dropped P off. I didn't have any makeup on, I have coffee breath, I'm listening to my ipod and I walked right past the store's general manager that I met with last week. I just smiled and said hi and she said hi back. I know I should have stopped and taken off the headphones and chatted her up a little bit but I just didn't want to. I would really like to work there but I don't like feeling like I have to be ready for a potential job interview everytime I want to go in there.
Since I'm job hunting I'm spending a lot of time looking over my resume and writing cover letters extolling my many talents and experiences and while this should be making me feel good about everything that I've accomplished it is just not. I've been feeling more like a failure lately. I know that I'm a pretty good wife and my daughter is a star. Seriously, she was reading to me from "Haroun and the Sea of Stories" by Salman Rushdie last night. Folks, she is 5 years old and she hasn't even been to Kindergarten yet. I can take pride in her successes - whatever part I've had in them . . . but I'm having a lot of trouble taking pride in what I've done. I studied drama in college and did nothing with it (not that I want to start anything like that now). I've bounced around in many different fields since school and I've done a lot of different things but I'm starting to look back and think how much time I've wasted. It probably has a lot to do with my brother. I know that he struggled with a lot of the same things in his life. He was a brilliant guy who never really found his way in the world. I don't even know if I'm half as smart as he was.
Oh, and it is freezing and raining out AGAIN! This is definitely not helping my mood here. They keep saying that we are going to have a nice weekend. I hope that they are right because I could really use a little sunshine right about now.
Since I'm job hunting I'm spending a lot of time looking over my resume and writing cover letters extolling my many talents and experiences and while this should be making me feel good about everything that I've accomplished it is just not. I've been feeling more like a failure lately. I know that I'm a pretty good wife and my daughter is a star. Seriously, she was reading to me from "Haroun and the Sea of Stories" by Salman Rushdie last night. Folks, she is 5 years old and she hasn't even been to Kindergarten yet. I can take pride in her successes - whatever part I've had in them . . . but I'm having a lot of trouble taking pride in what I've done. I studied drama in college and did nothing with it (not that I want to start anything like that now). I've bounced around in many different fields since school and I've done a lot of different things but I'm starting to look back and think how much time I've wasted. It probably has a lot to do with my brother. I know that he struggled with a lot of the same things in his life. He was a brilliant guy who never really found his way in the world. I don't even know if I'm half as smart as he was.
Oh, and it is freezing and raining out AGAIN! This is definitely not helping my mood here. They keep saying that we are going to have a nice weekend. I hope that they are right because I could really use a little sunshine right about now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
